A BEREAN'S REVIEW (1992)
BUILDING YOUR MATE'S SELF-ESTEEM
by Dennis and Barbara Rainey - 1986, Here's
Life Publishers, Campus Crusade for Christ
Forward by Howard and Jeanne Hendricks
SELF-ESTEEM IS UNBIBLICAL
The entire thesis of Building Your Mate's Self-Esteem
is unbiblical and corrupt. Self-esteem is based on Self-Image
Psychology which derives from that branch of modern psychology
called Humanistic Psychology. Self-Esteem, Self-Image,
Self-Worth, Self-Love are not from God's Word, the Bible, and are
not found in the writings of historical Christianity. (See The False Gospel of Self Esteem)
HUMANISTIC PSYCHOLOGY
These concepts and their associated terms are not found within
the Evangelical Church until the 20th century with the rise of
Humanistic Psychology and its concepts of Self-Actualization and
the emphasis on "needs". Humanistic Psychology has
played a major role in obsessing this generation with
"Self" and was developed by such men as Abraham Maslow
and Carl Rogers. (See Humanistic &
Transpersonal Psychology 1 of 2)
LOVERS OF THEMSELVES
God's Word, in fact, warns of these very trends: "But
mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People
will be lovers of themselves..." (2Timothy 3) and this
chapter goes on to list the inevitable results of a self-absorbed
society.
A COUNTERFEIT
Superficially, the Rainey's book appears to be Christian. It
looks close, but it is a counterfeit. It is sprinkled with Bible
verses and even contains portions that express the Biblical
gospel. It is, however, a dangerous syncretism between Biblical
truth and the Wisdom of Man.
WORLDLY SOURCES
The worldly sources of their philosophy of Self is represented
by various references to such advocates of unbiblical views as
Dorothy Corkille Briggs, Dr. Joyce Brothers, William James, Mark
Twain, Denis Waitley, Tom Peters, and Dr. W. Hugh Missildine.
We are not questioning Dennis and Barbara Rainey's sincerity
in desiring to follow Jesus. We are simply evaluating their
message, as Bereans (Acts 17), and declaring the message to be
false by the authority of God's Word, the Bible.
BACKGROUND
Dennis Rainey is a graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary and
serves as the national director of the Family Ministry of Campus
Crusade for Christ.
From the description on the back cover the Raineys claim:
1. "You can strengthen your mate's self-esteem."
2. "Self-esteem is either the crippler or the completer
of the marriage relationship."
3. "From their experience in counseling hundreds of
couples, Dennis and Barbara Rainey have found that one of the
most vital and missing ingredients in marriage today is the
diligent effort on the part of each spouse to build the other's
self-esteem."
4. "Creative ideas for immediate results!"
INCANTATIONS
Affirmations are central to "building your mate's
self-esteem" according to the Raineys. In chapter 7,
"Words are Seeds", they claim that as God created with
words, "...we share in God's creative handiwork when we use
words that give life to our mate's self-esteem." (p. 105)
"Your mate will become the person you tell him he
is." ( p. 111)
The idea that there is creative power in our words is straight
from the heresies of the Positive Confession movement which in
turn is derived from the New Thought movement at the end of the
19th century. The New Thought movement simply advocated the
mystical powers of incantations and mind power found in ancient
paganism. The Positive Confession preachers such as Kenneth Hagin
and Kenneth Copeland often refer to the same claim that since God
created when he spoke words, that we, too, can create when we
speak words.
However, when God created the universe by his word, the
significance was not that God SAID it, but that GOD
said it. God is the Creator. We are to simply be instruments in
his hands. We are not the Holy Spirit in our spouse's life. For
our spouse to bear the fruit of the Spirit they must abide in the
Vine (Gal. 5:22,23 and John 15:5). We can only be an
encouragement for them to do so.
The Praise of Men
On page 107, they say that one must praise their spouse.
" Everyone loves to be praised; your mate is no exception.
William James wrote, 'The deepest principle in human nature is
the craving to be appreciated.' Mark Twain said, 'I can live for
two months on a good compliment.'" It is true, as the
Rainey's say, that "Everyone loves to be praised."
It is true, as William James is quoted, that "craving to
be appreciated" is a "principle in human nature".
But this is sin to be repented of, not a "need" to be accommodated! The Pharisee's loved the praise of men! (Matthew
6:1-4)
"Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is
how their fathers treated the false prophets." (Luke 6:26)
"NEEDS"
It is a tenant of Humanistic Psychology that humans have
"needs" for "esteem" or
"appreciation" or "belonging". Abraham Maslow
said that individuals develop according to a hierarchy of needs:
First the physiological needs must be satisfied (nourishment,
safety, and comfort), then the psychological needs (affection and
esteem), and then the need for Self-Actualization. A
Self-Actualized person, according to Maslow, will exhibit
spontaneity, independence, social involvement, self-acceptance,
sense of humor, and a lack of hostility. He will have had what
Maslow called "peak experiences", including
"mystical" experiences that he calls "transient
moments of Self-Actualization".
But what Humanistic Psychology calls "needs", the
Bible often calls sinful desires (e.g., 1 Peter 1:14; 2:11;
4:2,3; 2 Peter 2:10, 18; 3:3). Self-centeredness and the desire
to be praised is sin.
"But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we
brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of
it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content
that." (1 Timothy 6:6-8)
SEEK FIRST...
Maslow's idea of human development through the Hierarchy of
Needs is the exact opposite of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. Jesus
acknowledges that it is the pagans who chase after their
"felt needs": "what to eat" and "what to
wear". But Jesus says, "Seek first the Kingdom of God
and his righteousness and all these things shall be added to
you." (Matthew 6:33).
WILLIAM JAMES AND MARK TWAIN
The fact that the Raineys quote William James and Mark Twain
is very telling as to the worldly sources of such philosophies.
William James (1842-1910) was an American philosopher who, with
John Dewey, were leaders of a philosophical movement called
Pragmatism. James wrote Principles of Psychology in 1890.
His philosophy was, basically, that everyone must decide for
himself the answers to the fundamental questions of life.
Mark Twain was a Freemason who wrote blasphemous attacks on
Christianity.
SELF-IMAGE
Chapter 1 is called, "Giving Your Mate a New Image".
In the section, "Give Your Mate the Gift of Value", the
Raineys quote Denis Waitley (a human potential advocate) from his
book Seeds of Greatness.
"Denis Waitley underscores the poisonous effect of fear
and the releasing power of love. He writes in his first chapter,
'The Seed of Self-esteem': 'So then, the gift of value is the
absence of fear..... people who live with optimism will grow up
thinking they were born to fly!.... If our people are reminded of
all the bad we see in them, they'll become exactly what we hoped
they'd never be!' That's it - love casting out fear! Perfect love
(God's love) is more powerful than the fear of rejection."
On page 37, the Raineys answer the question, "What is a
Self-Image?"
In chapter 2, "Slaying the Phantom", is the section,
"The Centrality of Self-Image". On page 38: "Your mate's self-image is central to all he is and does daily. In Seeds
of Greatness, Denis Waitley calls our self-esteem 'the
beginning and first seed to all success. It is the basis for our
ability to love others and to try to accomplish a worthy goal,
without fear.'" [But is that what the Bible says?]
Building Your Mate's Self-Esteem emphasizes the
"centrality" of self-image in determining who we are
and what we do. In Humanistic Psychology, the power of the
self-image is based on the mechanism of the
"subconscious". The subconscious is said to be an
impersonal, amoral part of our personality that controls
everything we are and will become. This subconscious is said to
have been programmed with negative programming since our
childhood and this is what limits us from achieving our unlimited
potential. The purpose in life is to reprogram the subconscious with positive programming. This, of course, denies the role of
our conscious selves where our moral will is operative and
certainly ignores the sovereignty of God.
BIBLICAL ENCOURAGEMENT
Humanistic Psychology promotes "affirmation",
"self-talk", and "building self-esteem". The
Bible tells us to encourage one another. There is a great deal of
difference between Biblical encouragement and reprogramming the subconscious, or stroking each other, or affirming each other, or
pumping up each other's self-image.
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up,
just as in fact you are doing" (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
"Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of
season; correct, rebuke and encourage - with great patience and
careful instruction." (2Tim 4:2)
"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called
Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's
deceitfulness." (Hebrews 3:13)
Rather than trying to give each other a new
"self-image", we are to encourage each other to trust
and obey Jesus; to abide in the Vine; to love the Truth; to put
our hope in Him.
We are to be motivated by Jesus' love for us and by the
sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit, not by the stroking of other
human beings.
"We love because He first loved us" (1John 4:19)
RIGHT BRAIN - LEFT BRAIN
Barbara Rainey promotes the New Age popular mythology of Right
Brain - Left Brain in chapter 16, "Securing Your Man"
on pages 224-225. (See The Popular Mythology
of "Right Brain-Left Brain")
In order to support these views that are both unbiblical and
unscientific, she refers to a pop-psychologist who makes a living
on game shows and talk shows.
"My understanding quotient took a giant stride forward
when I read Dr. Joyce Brother's book, What Every Woman Should
Know About Men ... Simply put, a man's brain operates
specifically, while a woman's operates wholistically. The right
hemisphere of a man's brain can and does operate without the left
being involved, and vice versa. A woman's brain uses and
integrates both hemispheres simultaneously. "
A discussion with any neurological scientist will reveal that
these notions have no basis in fact. More importantly, these
concepts are not derived from scripture. They are popular New Age
myths that attempt to turn the human brain into a Yin-Yang
symbol.
NEW AGE AUTHOR
How did the Rainey's come to believe the unbiblical
philosophies and techniques of Self-Image Psychology? One
indication is their reference to a book by author Dorothy
Corkille Briggs, Your Child's Self-Esteem, published in
1975.The Raineys call this book a "classic work" on
page 36 of their book. Brigg's book is quoted: "Children
rarely question [their parents'] expectations; instead, they
question their personal adequacy." This quote is in a
section of the Rainey's book describing the consequences of a
faulty self-image.
It is important to realize what Dorothy Corkille Briggs stands
for since she has influenced the Rainey's by her "classic
work". She does not profess to be a follower of Jesus
Christ. Rather, Briggs is clearly a writer of "classic"
New Age philosophies. Her other book (not referenced by the
Rainey's) Celebrate Your Self - Enhancing Your Own Self-Esteem
(1977) is filled with such neo-pagan themes as: "Positive
Mental Action. Bathe in the Truth of You. Your Knower lives
within. Your Knower is One with Universal Wisdom. "I
am" affirmations. Positive Imaging. The Real Self. Inner
Child. Within the assemblage making up you is a non-physical
Beingness, a Conscious Awareness, an Inner Power centered in
Love. Life Force. I am related to all Creation. I am part of the
great Whole. Visualize the Inner Perfection created in You. I am
one with all Life."
HUMAN IMAGINATION AND DENIS WAITLEY
Recall that the Raineys promote their concept of the
"centrality of self-image" by referring to the human
potential author, Denis Waitley and his book, Seeds of
Greatness. To further expose the unbiblical nature of
Waitley's views the following are quotes from two of his books.
In The Winner's Edge, Waitley says, "Perhaps the
most important key to the permanent enhancement of self-esteem is
the practice of positive self-talk. Every waking moment we must
feed our self-images positive thoughts about ourselves and our
performances, so relentlessly and vivid that our self-images are
in time molded and modified to conform to new, higher
standards."
In Seeds of Greatness, he advocates improving
"health, self-esteem, and creative growth" by recording
and playing back "positive self-talk".
In the same book he says that the "right-brain" can
record "images and feelings about yourself". "Who
you see in your imagination will always rule your world."
"As you see yourself in the heart of your thought, in
your mind's eye, so you do become." (The Winner's Edge)
To rely on the human imagination is dangerous and leads to
death. The human imagination is evil. Our only hope is to abide
in the Vine, Christ Jesus and let him bear fruit in our lives by
the Holy Spirit.
TOM PETERS
On page 203, the Raineys name drop Tom Peters and "his
best selling book", In Search of Excellence and his
audio tape series, "The Excellence Challenge", in order
to illustrate a point about men's attitudes.
Tom Peters is the guru of worldly wisdom who promotes a
worldly view of "success" and corporate
"restructuring". The philosophies of men like Tom
Peters ought to be exposed, not name-dropped.
"YOUR INNER CHILD"?
Dr. W. Hugh Missildine's book, Your Inner Child of the Past,
is quoted on page 48 of Building Your Mate's Self-Esteem.
"Modern psychology documents that most first-borns are
perfectionists. So also are many second- and third-born children
because, as Dr. W. Hugh Missildine says in Your Inner Child of
the Past, perfectionism 'literally runs in families.'"
The "inner child of the past" concept is another
unbiblical concept from the occult psychologist, Carl Jung, and
is popular with the New Age movement.
TECHNIQUES AND THE WISDOM OF MAN
Dennis and Barbara Rainey's book, Building Your Mate's
Self-Esteem, represents the wisdom of man disguised as
"Christian" by a sprinkling of superficially applied
verses from the Bible. They rely on the subjective experiences of
humans and on the pseudo-scientific observations and conclusions
of psychology instead of on the objective authority of God's
Word, the Bible. (See Questions for
Christians about Psychology)
They turn a relationship with Jesus into a set of techniques
for success in marriage.
COUNTERFEIT "FRUIT"
The Raineys attempt to produce the "fruit of the
Spirit" in their spouse's life by the techniques of
"building self-esteem". But when you use man's
techniques you will only produce counterfeit "fruit".
Only the Holy Spirit can produce genuine fruit in our lives and
only when we surrender and "abide in the Vine", that
is, through a personal relationship with Jesus. He produces the
fruit, not our techniques.
JESUS SAYS...
Far from exalting or esteeming "self", Jesus says in
Matthew 16:24 that we should deny ourselves, pick up our cross
and follow him. Jesus says in Matthew 22:34-40 that the two (not
three, but two!) greatest commandments are to love God and to
love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus wasn't, also, giving us a
third commandment to love ourselves. He was acknowledging that
even in our sin nature we love ourselves already: we feed
ourselves, we clothe ourselves. He is saying, "Now, go and
serve other people like you are already serving yourself."
FIX OUR EYES ON JESUS
The whole Christian life is built upon dying to self and
serving God and serving people. We are to get our eyes off of
self and fix our "eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of
our faith" (Hebrews 12:2). Husbands and wives must realize
that they are helpless and hopeless, but, "While we were yet
sinners Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)
Through repentance we find forgiveness and then a life of
surrender; of trusting and obeying. What we must respond to is,
not any sense of our own worth, but the fact that Jesus loves us,
and he wants to use us!
Husbands and wives who truly desire to be bond-servants of
Jesus Christ will have marriages that are all that God desires
them to be.
"But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last
days. People will be lovers of themselves..." (2Timothy 3)
"The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will
abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught
by demons." (1Timothy 4:1)
"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared
to all men. It teaches us to say 'No' to ungodliness and worldly
passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in
this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope - the
glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus
Christ..." (Titus 2:11-14)
The False Gospel of Self Esteem
Four Ways Christians Are Deceived
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